Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
And then my night got REAL pukey
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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