You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
