Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
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