How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
