When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize
