So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
