Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
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