what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
