how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
is that a dick in a sweater?
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Randomize
