there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Let's paint friendship bongs
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
