with your own penis?
There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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