On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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