You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
