when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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