if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
so we had a 20 minute conversation and created the fb page WWND (what would Nana do?) last night after we took our Ambien...that is my definition of an overachiever
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
