Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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