Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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