I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
