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he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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