His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
