You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
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