he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
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