I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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