he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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