dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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