He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Randomize
