new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
She told me I should be a condom model.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
