i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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