I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
