Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
