It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Randomize
