Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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