Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
