we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize