I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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