i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Randomize