I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
