Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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