i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
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