If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I'm always down for nudity.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
