i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
