Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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