A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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