Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
You dont lie about slip and slides
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
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