The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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