I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
