I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
