Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
