So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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