Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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