i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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