She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
