the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
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