I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Randomize
