last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
whose parrot is this?
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
