They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Randomize
