god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
