there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
We left the knife in your bed.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
My day in three words: secret purse cake
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize