We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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