my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
