two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
