I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
