I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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