first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
