I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Randomize
