Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
