Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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