i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
