Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
