You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
