There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize